To the man that embraced who I was when I wasn’t looking.
There’s a reason why your the first letter I’m writing and why I had to make a sudden decision to no longer let myself fall harder for you. I hadn't noticed how waking up in the morning and finding your good morning messages time stamped at 530am would become such an important moment in my daily life, how suddenly you had become part of my day without physically being there and how every ray of sunshine I had been feeling for a month had been emanating from you.
It hurt when I made the decision to turn the other way, I thought about it all the way home and when I got home I argued with myself for over an hour, and fiddled with the text I was going to send you for what seemed a lot longer than necessary because the situation was simple. Far too simple. You are leaving. It was as simple and as complicated as that.
Your drive and focus and absolute certainty of who you are and where you want to be in your life was one of the greatest qualities about you that I was immediately surprised with, and the fact that it was military orientated and how you were clued up on world events (mostly haha) kept me so fascinated about what you were going to say next, you surprised me in ways I cant begin to put in words and Im grateful for every conversation that had me grinning or had me in stitches, because lets face it, your funny as fuck.
But those reasons are also the reasons I had to stop myself from wanting anything more with you, why I had to take a step back. With all your dreams and plans, there was no room for me or my son. For you it seemed like harmless fun, we're getting to know each other and start some kind of romantic adventure together that would have you skyping me everyday from Afghanistan or Iraq somewhere, sending me heartfelt letters in the mail, coming home a couple times a year. It all sounds so romantic, like from a 1940's movie, and on paper it would probably be thee most fulfilling experience for both of us. But in reality, I would be at home waiting for you constantly, praying with every fibre of faith that I have that you would be ok and you wouldnt get hurt, that the person who would become such an important functioning piece in my life would come back home in one piece, mentally ok and able to be as you were before you were deployed.
I know this is premature, that all the problems I listed may or may not have happened, that we might not have even made it to a full blown romance before you leave. But I had to save myself, and I had to save my son. I want you to know though that I think we could have had something pretty amazing, something lasting and something really very rare to find these days, and I think you know it too.
